POV Shorts: Dreaming Life

♪♪ ♪♪ [ Solemn music plays ] ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ -Love is the most powerful healing force there is, and the pathway to love is through forgiveness.

♪♪ Forgive yourself first, so that you can forgive others.

♪♪ Free yourself.

♪♪ ♪♪ You deserve to be well.

You deserve to heal.

♪♪ You deserve love.

♪♪ -...Sick, my butt.

Anyway, call me back.

Bye.

-I was 24 years old and I went to Los Angeles to audition for pilot season.

-It's beautiful.

-I didn't know a soul.

[ Car horn honks ] I was walking down Melrose Avenue and I physically ran into this friend that I had gone to school with.

He smiled at me and he said, "Hey, what are you doing Wednesday night?"

-Look, it's my movie.

-And I thought he was inviting me to church.

-Let's go to my house.

-And truth be told, I -- I had an enormous crush on him.

[ Indistinct conversations ] I got to this thing called The Hayride, started by Louise Hay.

I was raised in a very fundamentalist Christian background.

I associated the word "church" with -- with shame.

-There, there was literally no shame.

-We don't -- you know, I don't heal anybody.

That's not what I do.

I just provide a space where we can uncover how absolutely wonderful we are.

And many people find that they are able to heal themselves, and this is very heartwarming to all of us.

I started out in January of this year with six men with AIDS in my living room, and look where we are today.

You're perfect as you are right now.

And yes, of course... -I began to understand what it meant that you cultivate your own family.

And I was -- I was hooked.

-Just because your father may have been a big macho man and wouldn't ask anybody for help doesn't mean that you have to be that way.

None of us are capable of doing it all by ourselves all the time.

Stop scaring yourself.

How often do you choose to think thoughts that literally terrify you?

[ Laughter ] Right?

[ Laughter ] -This is actually very empowering because if I could actually give myself AIDS, well, take it one step further -- then I can take it away.

I absolutely feel that I am overcoming this disease, and every day that I am here shows me and shows the world that I am overcoming AIDS.

-You know, we're not limited by the medical opinion.

It depends whether we choose to do that or not.

I think it's a terrible shame that at the moment, the medical community is telling everybody that they have to die because it's just not true.

We know that that's not true.

There are plenty of boys that are doing very well.

You know, we can either buy into the fear or we can not buy into the fear.

♪♪ -Louise was classified as a new age guru.

-How was your body reacting to the things you said you were willing to release?

What will you have to change?

What will you have to choose to believe in order to let these old limitations go?

Are you willing?

How willing?

I cannot tell you exactly what your future will be like, but I know that if you choose to be negative and resentful and fearful and guilty, you are going to have an uncomfortable life before you, and perhaps illness, too.

-Her signature thing was mirror work.

-Let's use the mirror to check our resistance level.

Look into your eyes and say, "I am willing to change.

I am willing to change."

Are you hesitating?

Do you feel that it's not true?

What is the belief that's in the way?

Remember, it's only a thought, and a thought can be changed.

-...Having an awareness that you have right now.

-I was studying and watching her lift people out of an unprecedented despair -- a pandemic, a violation of humanity.

-Do that for yourself.

It's an act of loving yourself.

I know a lot of people here are looking for a savior.

The place to look is right here in the mirror, right here, honey.

♪♪ This is the savior that you're looking for.

♪♪ What do you want to say to him?

-I've looked at you so many times, and I've -- I've even -- I've even told you, uh -- [ Crying ] ♪♪ I've even told you... ♪♪ ...that I wanted you to hurry up and die.

♪♪ Rather than -- ♪♪ Rather than admit... ♪♪ I just wanted, uh -- ♪♪ I got too much pride or something.

-You sound like your daddy.

♪♪ -To just ask... ♪♪ Just to ask to hold your -- somebody's hand.

♪♪ I don't want you to die.

♪♪ And I don't want you to live so uncomfortable all by yourself.

♪♪ -Did Jack know -- Jack know we were going to be on TV Monday?

-I heard.

Oh, yeah.

-I worked with some friends to do the technical part of the Hayrides.

Then they said, "Louise really wants music to go along with the message -- an opening act."

And this group, Alliance, we would laugh and say that we were the first new age boy band.

[ Pop music plays ] ♪♪ -♪ Everybody wake up into the morning, into happiness ♪ -Hello, world!

-♪ It's such a different way ♪ ♪ Of living now ♪ -Thank you, world!

♪ We always knew that we'd be free somehow ♪ -I would ride next to Louise in the van when we would go to places.

-♪ It's such a shame for us to live so independently ♪ -She was like my mom.

-♪ Can you feel ♪ ♪ A brand new day ♪ -I didn't have to hide any feelings that I was having.

-♪ Can you feel a brand new day ♪ -I never had that kind of parental love before.

♪♪ When the book "You Can Heal Your Life" came out, things really started exploding beyond the gay community.

-I love you.

[ Laughter ] -Let me see you do it.

Let me see you do it.

-I love you.

[ Laughter ] -A lot of people in Los Angeles have been exposed to you, and so your name is sort of on the grapevine, and for at least a year, I've had various people come to me who've been to your sessions and say that they have been healed.

-You know, I'm not a healer.

I don't heal anyone.

But I run a support group for people with AIDS.

-You said to me during the break...

There was a New York Times reporter that said "If it wasn't because of AIDS, Louise might be just another woman teaching workshops on how to love yourself."

-I teach people to love themselves.

-And that you're not going to cure the AIDS epidemic with self-love.

That anger is necessary to bring our activism out.

-Yes.

-I read your book, and I have -- and I enjoyed it.

Now, I think that somewhere down the line, it's not just your inner healing, it's not your concentration only.

There's other factors than just from within yourself.

So I think there are a lot of factors out there that are around you that are important and that they are not -- -Are you saying you don't think it can be cured?

Are you saying you don't -- -Oh, no, I think it can be cured, but I don't think just by meditation.

-No, no.

That's no guarantee at all.

[ Laughs ] If you come to our group -- and we're now running almost 600 people every Wednesday night -- you will feel better about yourself.

Definitely.

♪♪ -We're going to play a little music and do a special visualization.

Get comfortable, close your eyes, and really relax.

Begin to visualize yourself as a little child of 5 or 6, and look deeply into this little child's eyes.

-I think people with trauma find and seek each other out.

-My early childhood gave me many opportunities to create self-loathing.

When I was 18 months, my parents divorced and I was put into a series of foster homes.

And when I was 5, I was raped by a neighbor, and then my mother remarried and my stepfather both battered and abused me.

♪♪ -That trauma, that sadness, that violation, it weaves itself into your soul.

♪♪ Self-love is the only thing that saved her, and me.

-About 7 or 8 years ago, I was diagnosed as having cancer myself, and I realized that I was being given a chance to do some work on myself, because I knew that cancer comes from a mental pattern of having a lot of resentment about the past and also having a lot of feelings of not being good enough.

-That diagnosis is the thing that moved her into this spiritual boot camp.

She started looking at everything that was unloving.

And she believed that worked because the cancer was gone.

♪♪ -Love is the big healer.

When we can really get down to loving who we are, our life changes, and it's amazing the diseases we don't need.

[ Indistinct singing ] ♪♪ -People were dying, and I watched that crowd grow, not necessarily out of inspiration, but out of desperation.

♪♪ The funeral and the memorial service, one after another, after another, after -- I mean, Alliance, we must have sang at 70 memorials in one year's time.

♪♪ I watched how this -- this subset of society was clawing and grabbing at her to -- to fix it.

♪♪ -A person comes along like -- like Louise, or a group like this group, who say, "We support you," and say, "Yes, I know you can get well.

Yes, I know you can survive this -- overcome this, and even achieve greater health than you've never known before.

-People that are getting well are the ones who are really taking responsibility for their health.

-When you're in the middle of a storm like that, people want to be fixed.

People want it to go away.

-...And see in front of you a new door.

-We all miscalculate.

We do it because we want some kind of hope.

-And while you may not know exactly what that door holds... -When people didn't get fixed, when people died...

-...But know it is wonderful.

-I think it could produce shame.

Some people felt her approach was harmful.

-...and is only change.

-All I know is that there was a pure intent there.

-So it is.

-So it is.

-Good evening.

Hello, I'm Louise Hay, and welcome to another Hayride.

[ Laughter ] -♪ I'm capable of being the best me I can ♪ ♪ And I love myself ♪ ♪ Just the way I am ♪ -I think it's important to emphasize, too, because a lot of people think that that's what's wrong with our country, is everybody's loving themselves too much, that there is a difference between loving yourself and being selfish -- that they're absolutely the opposite.

-Exactly.

I'm certainly not arrogant.

I love who I am, exactly who I am, and I've created a wonderful base around me, and people who I've surrounded myself is a very, totally loving group.

-Mm-hmm.

Doc?

-That I'm not powerless in the world.

That I'm not a victim of any disease that might come along.

that I have some say in this and some power, and that I'm not alone.

♪♪ -All: ♪ I love myself ♪ ♪ The way I am ♪ ♪ Nothing I need to change ♪ ♪ I'll always... ♪ -I loved her.

I loved her deeply.

-♪ The perfect me ♪ ♪ There's nothing to rearrange ♪ -I can see that there's a difference between curing and healing.

-♪ And capable of being the best me I can♪ -We were looking for hope, and Louise helped other people in their own despair.

♪♪ That was healing.

♪♪ -Wake up to your own potential, realize how divine and magnificent you are, and realize you have the power to make changes.

You are not stuck.

You can begin to make changes by changing the way you think.

And above all, go to the mirror and look in your eyes and say, "I love you.

I really, really love you."

It'll work miracles.

♪♪ O0 C1 ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ [ Blink ] -Hello.

My name is Hunter "Pixel" Jimenez.

♪♪ I'm 19 years old, and it's my last year of being a teenager.

The number one thing on my mind is, "Well, what now?"

♪♪ ♪♪ Living in Los Angeles, there's always so much to do.

You can go left and you're in downtown, and you can go right and you're in the Hollywood.

[ Horn honks ] -Buenas tardes.

-Tamales, tamales.

-I live in Koreatown.

I live with my stepdad, my mom, and my sister.

♪♪ We live in a one-bedroom apartment.

It's very small, but right now I'm very happy where I am, living with my family and being very close to them.

♪♪ My family is from Guatemala.

♪♪ When they came to the USA, my family really wanted to fit in.

-[ Whistling ] iHola!

-I think everyone wants to fit in.

I definitely want to fit in despite my crazy identity.

♪♪ Right now, I identify as a non-binary transman.

I like the idea of people thinking that I'm an adorable boy.

♪♪ I really like feminine colors, clothing styles, pastel blues, pastel greens, anything that, in the binary world, would be considered "girly."

♪♪ Being at home, it's very complicated.

My family knows about my identity, but it's still an elephant in the room.

[ Whistling, chattering ] Even after all these years, they still ask me, "Are you sure?

Are you sure that you're a boy?

Because you still like boys."

♪♪ My boyfriend is Damian.

He lives in Arkansas.

He's also trans.

Damian is my galaxy prince.

He's the light that shone in my darkness, which is weird because if you know him, he's very punk.

♪♪ We text each other and talk on the phone every day.

In a perfect world, I would love to live in a small apartment with him and just be happy and gay.

♪♪ But it's not the reality.

♪♪ Despite being together for 3 years, we've never met in person because of our financial circumstances.

♪♪ He lives in a place where it's really hard to get a job as a transperson.

It seems like every year we have plans, but something always comes up where that money has to go to something else.

♪♪ I know if I lived a more privileged life, things would be different.

I would be in university.

But right now, it's all on me.

I kind of have to make sure everything's going to be OK. ♪♪ I go to work, help pay the bills as much as I can, but I know that if I let myself have nice things and I'm not taking care of my financial responsibilities, then none of the bills are going to get paid and we're going to be homeless.

[ Thunder crashes ] Some part of me wishes I can be a kid again.

♪♪ I feel like I grew up too fast.

But...

I feel very ready.

-iAdios!

iBuena suerte!

♪♪ -I'm in a job that I love.

I've met people that have really changed me, and with the love of my life, and I got stronger to hold everything together.

♪♪ There will be a day where I'm not going to be living with my parents or my sister anymore.

-iElotes!

-iTamales, tamales!

-And I'll be ready.

♪♪ Life is so short.

Just follow your stupid dreams.

♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪ ♪♪